Facing The Unknown

It seems the last several months of my life have truly been filled with a keen awareness of “never knowing what a day may bring forth.”  I was set to begin radiation therapy this week but received a call from the doctor this morning to put that on hold.  It’s the liver thing.  All the doctors in the oncology department are meeting together on Wednesday to discuss their patients.  They do this every Wednesday.  This week they’ll be discussing me and comparing the two scans, the CT and the Ultrasound, of my liver.   I like the idea that they all put their heads together and come to an agreed upon plan.  In my case they must conclude whether they believe the liver cyst to be a “simple” cyst or to be something more that would require a biopsy to check for cancer.   I must say I feel extraordinarily calm about the whole thing.   I know that must be God, yet again, pouring in that lovely “peace that passes all understanding” into another unknown something around the corner in my life.

As the doctor was talking, explaining the above,  I was filled with a huge sense of thankfulness for their skill and care of me.  They’re wanting to be certain that nothing is overlooked.  How wonderful.  How could I be anything but thankful for them.  Hence, in this case, I’m not even frustrated at  another delay or change in treatment plans.

You might be wondering, how do I feel with the slightest prospect that there could be another cancer growing in my liver?  Well, it’s both strange and amazing to me.    It seems to me it wouldn’t be at all unusual if I were full of fears and tears at such a possibility.  You would all understand and hold me in much love and prayer.   The fact that I feel nothing but calm is what I find both “strange and amazing.”  I asked myself, why am I not scared?  I contemplate a few moments and conclude,  it’s experience with God.  He’s never left me but instead has always been everything I have ever needed in my life.  If He has never left me before and has always been what I needed through all my days, then it’s very difficult to think things might suddenly be different now.

I’m reminded of something my Dad said during the three weeks before he went to Heaven.  He said, “I’ve had good times in my life and I’ve had hard times in my life but I’ve never had bad times, because in all the times, Jesus has been there to see me through.”  My doctor will phone on Thursday with the scan results and the recommended next step.  Whatever that step might be I am as convinced as my Dad and also say with certainty and joy, Jesus will be there to see me through.

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