This has been a very busy week. My mother and I would start at 8:30am, take a short lunch break, and resume our work until 5:00pm. That was and is our knocking off time. What have we been doing? Let’s see – we sledge-hammered a wardrobe apart and pulled the pieces outside, moved furniture around, sorted through all the clothes closets and dresser drawers, made several trips to the Salvation Army Store taking goods no longer needed, and then we headed outside for awhile, cutting back hedges and bushes.
The last two days I have taken the task of cleaning out the pantry and kitchen cupboards. I’ve completely emptied everything, replaced the old shelf paper with new, dusted and scrubbed, and then put back things in a refreshed order. If I do say so myself – and I do – it looks great and my mom is pleased as anything. That’s the best part for me – seeing her smile and feel so good about everything. We’ve worked hard but had loads of laughs and we are both enjoying the results of our labor.
Yesterday I was thinking about what I could write in my blog this week. I didn’t have to think for long because it had been staring me in the face for hours – it was the shelves. When I thought about the shelves the verse in Psalm 51:10 immediately popped into my mind.
Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.
I have felt so good cleaning the pantry shelves and putting things in good order. That’s a part of my physical world but I find it’s no different in my spiritual world. When I take a moment of time to call to Father, asking Him to “clean my shelves and restore a spirit of right thinking within me” I feel good spiritually too. My problem is, like the cleaning of the pantry shelves, I wait too long. Cleaning is long overdue when I get around to it and too often I find my mind has been cluttered and my heart soiled with the matters of this world. Burdens grow unnecessarily greater when I leave my spiritual shelves unattended.
Therefore, with the reminder of the pantry shelves I have added a prayer, “Lord, my spiritual shelves need cleaning and rearranging into good order every day. Help me to remember. Help me not to let them get cluttered. Show me what needs to be held onto and what needs to be thrown away. Thank you. Amen.”
My mother’s second cat is named Blackie. He lives outside and is mostly only seen at meal times in the morning and evening, and once again for a bedtime treat. As we live in the country it is not unusual for unwanted pets to be dumped out in our vicinity. Over the years, my parents and I have all spent time taking care of, and finding homes for unwanted pets that appear scared and hungry in our yard. Blackie was one of those strays that wandered into our lives and captured our hearts.
Therefore, he is now a Blair cat and I can tell you, it’s not a bad life. I designed on paper a three story house (we call it the cat hotel) and a friend of ours who is a carpenter built it for Blackie. We also constructed a special place where we feed him on a raised platform just off the ground. While Blackie’s beginnings were dismal, he has really landed on his feet by becoming a part of the Blair household.
In the first many months of our getting to know each other, Blackie would run away every time we came out the door. We all tried to coax him to us with kind words but each time to no avail. He was scared and distrustful. One day an acquaintance had stopped by for a visit when it was time to feed Blackie. I went outside, taking his dinner with me to deliver onto his feeding platform. He ran away as usual, only returning after we had gone back inside the house.
“Why do you bother with him?” Our visitor asked. “That cat doesn’t love, appreciate, or trust you.”
Without thinking, my quick reply came, “But I love him.”
For me, that was all that mattered. I love Blackie.
I remember as I said those words, I felt a jump in my heart as I thought to myself, that is how I and so many of us often react with God. He watches over us, provides for us, gives us direction, is faithful in always being there, has never, ever failed us in any form or fashion. Even so, some situation or event takes place in our lives that sends us reeling in despair and confusion, but there too is God always coaxing us to Him with His kind and wise words, and there we are, running away scared and distrustful.
There are times in all of our lives when situations or events or simply the busyness of life makes it easy for us to remove our focus from the care of our Father. Before we know it, like Blackie, we are behaving toward God as if we don’t love, appreciate, or trust Him, but there is God…still loving us, still longing that we would come to Him, still waiting, still feeding us, still building us our own cat hotel and all because He loves us. We ignore Him, He still loves us. We get scared and run way from His words, He still loves us.
“For God so loved the world, He gave…..” John 3:16
God has been giving to us from the beginning of time as we know it. He will always give to us. He loves us.
I’ve always said that Alabama has some of the most magnificent thunder storms ever seen. The clouds move quickly, changing shapes and colors as the sky itself can turn from white to grey to black in a matter of minutes. Brilliant white lightening streaks across the black sky and thunder booms like rumbling base drums or cracks like an artillery of rifle fire. I never want it to cause any harm or damage but the sheer enjoyment of its power I find exhilarating. I love weather. My mother’s cat does not. She’s partially blind and lives on the front, screened in porch. She likes to jump onto the rocking chair and then onto a flat, wooden platform, erected there for her own personal perch and look-out point. Most often Kitty is on the perch enjoying life. In thunder storms, she’s on the floor, hiding behind the broom in the back corner.
Yesterday afternoon, when the sky sent out its first lightening streak and roll of thunder, I went out to the front porch to check on Kitty. I sat in the rocker and looked behind me. There was Kitty, eyes wide and pupils round like marbles. She was frozen in fear. I called her name. Nothing. I put my hand down and tried to coax her to me. Still nothing. My attempts to soothe her were only met by the cat stare of fear. It wasn’t until I stretched to reach back my hand and touched her head that any comforting relief came to her terrified self. I continued to rub her head and in a minute or two, she eased out from behind her broom of protection. She came nearer to me and huddled on the floor by the rocking chair I occupied. Now I could stroke her whole body. I felt her tightened muscles relax beneath my touch. In another few minutes, to my absolute surprise, she walked over to her food bowl and had a few bites of her tasty, crunchy morsels.
Was it still thundering and lightening? Yes. Was it raining hard? It was pouring! The sound was deafening as it pelted the tin roof. The storm was still there in all it’s ferociousness but the fear in Kitty was not. I concluded her fear was gone simply because I had let her know…. “I’m here Kitty. I’m here.” I had touched her and my touch had brought her comfort that surpassed the fear of the storm.
You know what I’m thinking, don’t you. It’s the same with our Father. We know He’s around in the good times and the tough times. Even so, the storms of life can paralyze us with fear. No words comfort, no coaxing from well-meaning friends make any difference to the fear that grips us within. Like Kitty beneath the thunder, we get caught in a cat stare of fear at what life throws at us. We can’t move, think, sleep, we’re just afraid and we can’t help it. It’s only the Father’s touch that can soothe away the worries and replace the fear with His own peace…..but does God actually touch us? After all, we can’t see Him so how can He possibly touch us?
Father God touches us where nothing in this world can; He touches us in our spirit where His own Holy Spirit resides. The Holy Spirit lives in us; therefore, everything of God lives in us too. God’s own peace lives in us. God’s own joy lives in us. God’s wisdom, strength, it all lives in us. Everything we need, to know comfort in any storm, is available to us by His Spirit living in us. But is that God touching us? We must think in the spiritual and not in the physical when contemplating the touch of God.
A person may give me a hug and that is a physical touch. That touch can indeed bring comfort. Hugging one another is a beautiful expression of love and comfort….but it’s temporary. A person can’t hug me for hours or days at a time but the Holy Spirit, living in me, can touch me with a continuous peace that fills me with courage and even joy in the blackest of lifes’ storms.
When I call, He answers me and shows me wonderful things that I never knew before. Jeremiah 33:3
When I’m scared, He reminds me that He is my God and He will strengthen me, and help me through anything, and will hold me up with His own right hand of righteousness. Isaiah 41:10
When I’m alone, He lets me know that even if no human can be with me always, He Himself will never leave me. Hebrews 13:5
When I must make a decision and I don’t know what to do, He guides me and whispers in my inner spirit with His Spirit in me…..This is the way. Walk this way. Isaiah 30:21
When I’m baffled at waiting for anything which unnerves me and makes me feel like screaming!!!… He reminds me that the strength I need is found in my own quietness and show of confidence before Him. He also reminds me that often He waits today, only to bless me more greatly tomorrow. Isaiah 30: 15 & 18
Father longs to touch me and you everyday with all the comfort, all the joy, all the guidance, all the peace, all the courage, all the wisdom we need to get through any storm of life. We ignore His promptings to let Him touch us spiritually when we first try to figure it all out by ourselves. I’ve done this more times than I can count and every time I end up like Kitty, hiding behind the broom of what I don’t understand, thinking I’ll feel protected, when all along, there is Father with His Words that are Living Words (John 1:1-5). His own living, life-giving words are always ready to touch our inner spirits with all we need to get safely through any storm.
A few days ago I returned to Alabama. This would be my first return visit since my father went to heaven and I wondered what it would be like to walk into a house without him there. Would I feel a pain of loss? Would I feel the grief of his absence? Would I look around, see his things everywhere and be touched by an aching heart? What would I feel? Those thoughts swirled in my mind as we neared the house because I miss him everyday. As I walked through the rooms, I noticed reminders of him everywhere. It was a strange thought that everywhere I went, he was not there, nor would he be. As I meditated upon this it came to me that in grief, as in all things in life, we have a choice…..on what will we focus?
I was reminded of a verse in Philippians 4:8, “Whatever is true…..think on those things.” That thought struck me with a refreshed inner peace. As I thought of think on whatever is true I thought again of how my father is still alive. That is true. My mother and I were talking about his home-going and she said, “I know I’m a widow but I don’t feel like one and that’s because Chuck is more alive now than he has ever been; he’s completely alive now that he’s with Jesus.” What a beautiful truth indeed. Since we are in Christ and He is in us, that makes us completely alive whether on earth or in heaven. That is what is true and that is an amazing truth on which to focus; on which to choose to place our thoughts when faced with grief.
Yesterday I decided to give myself a real test concerning my physical strength and stamina after my recent radiation treatments. Excitement pulsed through my being as I got on the tractor lawn-mower, turned on the ignition, and away I went. The hum of the motor filled me with a great happiness. As I drove up and down and around, glancing out at the vast country fields around me, turning the wheel with ease, I could see my father in my mind’s eye. I remembered and pictured him waving and smiling as I turned each corner. I could see him gathering fallen tree limbs, filling the wheel barrow, resting under the shade of the pecan tree. I could see it all in my mind and as I did so I realized I was smiling. He no longer lives here but he lives; he just has a new address and one in which I will one day join him and I too will see Jesus face to face.
My lawn mowing experience came to an end. I was tired from my experiment but happy that I felt so well. I get bouts of tiredness that wash over me but after a little rest I’m recharged and ready to go again. We all go through situations in life that challenge us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. How wonderful that God Himself has given us all we need to get through anything with great peace, complete joy, and total courage. A key to grasping all He has to give, comes with that simple truth as stated above……..“whatever is true…..think on those things.”
Have you had the experience of getting a new car and feeling like it’s so unique? Then as you begin driving around you notice quite a few other cars just like yours? Funny how that happens. I’m having a similar experience concerning breast cancer. In just the last month I’ve heard from six people who are either being biopsied for possible cancer or they’ve already been diagnosed and are now proceeding with treatment. I suppose when any of us goes through something, we are naturally more aware when the same thing happens to someone else.
While I was going through surgery and radiation treatment I often shared how an overwhelming compulsion to pray for the other patients around me would be so strong in my heart and mind. Each day as I would walk the corridor to the radiation treatment area I felt a surge of excitement just in wondering who would be sitting around the corner in the patient area. Would we talk? What would I find out about them? It was like being a spiritual detective trying to discover the clues of how best to pray. Of course, sometimes no words were spoken by everyone in the room, but being in God’s Agency, uncovering clues isn’t an absolute requirement. The Holy Spirit can lead us in how best to pray for those around us. We don’t have all knowledge, but He does.
Now that I continue to hear of others getting the same diagnosis as I had, I am once again filled with compulsion to pray and have been reading and thinking a lot about this wonderful tool that Father has given to each of us. It’s an amazing thing that through prayer we can work in partnership with God Almighty Himself in order to bring His purposes in Heaven to be brought into fruition on earth.
Remember the verse in I Thessalonians 5:17 that instructs us to Pray without ceasing? KJV That short verse has been pondered and wondered about by all God’s children over the centuries. At first it seems totally impossible because we know we cannot have thoughts of bringing our concerns to God every moment of the day. Therefore, to pray without ceasing seems to be an unrealistic and impossible command of God to obey.
I’ve been reading a book by Henri Nouwen called “The Only Necessary Thing” and have been greatly blessed by his thoughts on the subject of prayer. Concerning the command to pray without ceasing he writes, “To pray, I think, does not mean to think about God in contrast to thinking about other things, or to spend time with God instead of spending time with other people. Rather it means to think and live in the presence of God. Although it is important and even indispensable for the spiritual life to set apart time for God and God alone, prayer can only become unceasing prayer when all our thoughts, beautiful or ugly, high or low, proud or shameful, sorrowful or joyful, can be thought in the presence of God. Thus, converting our unceasing thinking into unceasing prayer moves us from a self-centered monologue to a God-centered dialogue.”
I am constantly amazed when I stop to ponder the plan of Almighty God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, to use the likes of you and me to bring about His purposes through this thing called prayer. May you be blessed in your part of the world, bringing your own thoughts into joyful awareness of Father’s listening ear at all times. Wherever we are we are in His presence. He is watching; He is listening; He is loving; He is working all things together for our good. Romans 8:28 He is giving us great privilege to pray for all those He loves, whom He brings across our paths.
A few years ago I went through a period of time when an unrealistic fear took hold of me. It concerned driving the car. I would walk out the door with the intent of getting in the car to go somewhere when all of a sudden a terrifying thought of “I’ll have a crash” lodged itself in my mind. I couldn’t shake the thought. There were even occasions when the fear was so strong that I went back into the house and abandoned the idea of driving that day.
I knew the fear was unfounded and unrealistic. I gave myself a good sound talking to and I prayed much. Still, the fear had a great hold on me. It definitely wasn’t one of those, what I call ‘God warnings’ when you know the Holy Spirit is speaking into your heart. Those warnings or directions from God, no matter the situation, are always filled with His very own peace.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” I Timothy 1:7 NKJV
This was definitely an unrealistic fear and didn’t come from God but no matter the sincerity of my prayers, I couldn’t seem to be free of this fear. Therefore, as the days grew into weeks, I found excuse after excuse not to drive the car.
During this time a dear friend happened to come see me. Whenever we are both in town at the same time we like to get together for what we have come to affectionately call our “tea chats”. I always look forward to those tea chats because I know it will be a time of great fellowship when our hearts will share thoughts and musings upon the things of God. Sometimes we laugh together and sometimes we cry together but all the time God is in our midst.
It was during this time of crazy fear with driving the car that my tea chat friend came for a visit. I told her about the fear that was choking peace out of me. I told her honestly that all my prayers hadn’t lifted the fear at all. She listened and then suggested, “Why don’t you picture Jesus sitting on your bonnet?” (For my American friends, a “bonnet” is not a type of headwear, it is in fact, to a Brit, the hood of the car. A “hood” to a Brit is a type of headwear….isn’t language fun?) I liked that idea very much and indeed when the dreaded fear of having a car crash would invade my otherwise peaceful world I pictured Jesus sitting on the bonnet of my car. The difference in my feelings were immediate.
In recent weeks I have begun reading again through the book of Genesis. As I started the first chapter it was verses 2-4 that quickly drew my attention.
“The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. Then God said, “Let there be light”, and there was light. And God saw the light that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.” NKJV
As I was reading, it dawned on me the fact that God said of Himself in Malachi 3:6, “For I am the Lord and I do not change.” NKJV
Excitedly I pondered, since God is a God who does not change, that means He is still saying today, “Let there be light” into our darkened world. He is still dividing the light from the darkness. He hasn’t changed in that at all. He is constantly seeing the dark places of our world that scares us; He speaks into those situations and says to the darkness in our soul, “Let there be light.” It has to be the light of His own creative joy that dispels the darkness of our own otherwise scary world.
Perhaps it’s akin to ‘Jesus sitting on the bonnet.’ That image dispelled my fears in driving and feeling fearful I would have a crash. Why? Was it simply the image of Jesus on the bonnet? I believe I’m realizing even now it’s more to do with the fact that, as it says in I John 1:5, “…God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.” Jesus was sitting on my bonnet; therefore, light was sitting on my bonnet, dispelling the darkness of my fears.
To each one reading this, I pray that in the days and weeks to come, as this world hurls fears our way, may we all remember….our God changes not; He is still sending light to dispel the darkness.
It was smiles, hugs, and good wishes to me from the radiologists today as I completed my last session of radiation treatment. I saw a few of my fellow patients that I’ve seen over the weeks. We wished each other well. I walked down the corridor for the last time leaving prayers along the way as I left.
Praying for people I don’t know is something that has come more alive to me through this cancer journey. I find it’s so much in my thoughts now, and what a joy it is to ask Father’s blessings on a complete stranger. Of course, to our Father the person is no stranger at all as He knows each one of us in detail. Perhaps that has been part of the joy for me in praying for those I don’t know. It’s like being in a partnership with Father, praying His blessings upon someone that He is already loving and longing to bring into deeper fellowship with Himself.
For me, I’m now free until the first week of October when I have a routine check-up. Everyone, having you with me during this journey has been a comfort beyond the expression words can bring. I can only thank you….and pray Father’s blessings on you too.
This may end my blogs for a time but just to let you know…..stay tuned to your email boxes. I’m right now planning a website and will greatly look forward to sharing with you through that in future days. I’ll be emailing you with those details. Until then, much love to each of you, and blessings of joy and peace be yours in the journeys that life has for you.
Well folks, I told you in last week’s update that this time of radiation therapy is a time of smiles, hope, and encouragements given all around. This week I have to report that the atmosphere of such continues, along with an added comfortableness. I go everyday, seeing some if not all of the familiar faces of others going every day for their own treatments. Such daily routines with others can create a “home away from home” feeling. We begin sharing things with each other. For example, Bill’s roses got flooded in last week’s heavy rains, Martha couldn’t go to her son and daughter-in-laws anniversary dinner due to treatments (he lives in the north of England), Andrew has been helping his son do some mechanic work on his car, and the list goes on. The radiologists begin sharing too. It really does get to feel like a family together. We’re all very comfortable with each other.
However, comfortable or not, I had to work hard the other day to keep a straight face. I really wanted to bust out laughing but managed to keep my composure. Well, there I was laying on the table, my arm positioned above my head, measurements double-checked, and then the radiologists leave the room as the machine revs up to begin zapping radiation in just the right places. When all is done the radiologists return to lower the table so I can get off and they get ready for the next patient.
We were chatting as usual as the table was lowered. One of the radiologists then asked me “Where in America are you from?” I told them and asked if any of them had been to America. Thus began a short conversation of each one telling me where they had been, what they had seen, etc. I was enjoying hearing their American tales when, as I’m listening to them I’m also suddenly aware that the two female and one male radiologist are standing, facing me, talking…naturally clothed…but I’m standing there facing them, and unnaturally not fully clothed at all. This is where I want to just burst into laughter. What a surreal experience. It’s like having that dream where suddenly your clothes disappear but no one seems to notice. Then you wake up and realize it wasn’t real. In this instance I knew there would be no waking up. There I am, topless, and engaging in pleasant conversation as naturally as if I had just strolled out of church on a Sunday morning.
This episode keeps popping into my mind and sets me to laughing. Then it sets me to praying for each one I saw that day. I’m having a wonderful time. How strange to say what an enjoyable experience is this cancer treatment but it is indeed. Father’s presence is so strong and tender at the same time.
Oh, side effects…..about the same as last week…..a little light-headed and a little tired immediately after but it passes quickly and I feel very well.
Thank you everyone for keeping me in your heart and prayers. There are lots of prayers each day going in and out of the oncology department. I love the mental picture of walking in there with Jesus and asking Father’s blessings on the lives of each one I see. Most of all I pray that through their experience they might somehow be drawn to seek God and to know Him. Then they’ll know the depth of peace and joy that only knowing God can actually bring.
It’s been a very good week. The radiologists who attend to me are terrific. I continue to be so thankful for them and their care of each one of us. They attend to us like clock-work…one comes out as another is already on the way in. The waiting room is constantly changing faces with the flow of patients and yet the radiologists have the ability to make each of us feel like we’re the only one. Their attention to detail required for each patient is efficient and administered with ease and good humor too.
I’m off to a good start. I seem to get a low-grade headache after each treatment and for an hour or two my head feels a bit light, not as if to faint, just light and slightly tingly. It passes quickly and all is well. So far there are no other side effects and I feel physically very well.
From the very start of this cancer treatment I have been warmly touched in observing the other patients around me. There are different types of cancer represented, all at varying stages, yet everyone is equally encouraging, one to the other. I notice as one comes out of the room where they’ve just received radiation treatment, conversation stops as everyone looks up to catch the eye of the one coming out, offering smiles, and clear, unspoken words of encouragement. Ironically I find this place of cancer treatment, where the very word can conjure fear, to be a place of great hope. Even in the palest and weakest of faces, a smile is nearly always managed. I have made a note in my journal to remember the smiles. A smile costs little but is so valuable. It can change an attitude, ease a broken heart, offer hope, and give comfort in all situations.
I have many friends around the world who offer me their smiles. I receive them gladly. Thank you everyone for your constant encouragements to me whether in words, prayers, or……valuable smiles.
I’ve confessed in an earlier update that I have a real struggle when it comes to administrative failures. I can be told, “Vickie, so sorry but you have a tumor growing out your ear,” and I can face that with great calm, but tell me, “Vickie, so sorry but your appointment has been cancelled,” and I feel my emotional joy bucket has suddenly had the bottom drop out and everything in me goes kerploosh…..drain…….
I went… kerploosh…drain….yesterday when I was about to leave for my first radiation appointment only to discover…..it’s been cancelled. Did they tell me why? No. Any explanation at all? No. A new appointment given? Not at first. I had to get hold of my personally assigned cancer-care nurse (who has always been brilliant at helping with anything) and she got onto the case immediately. By the end of the day I received a call telling me to come…….next week, Tuesday, June 12th. Next week?!?!? Another week? …sigh….
Okay, as I’m in Britian it’s time to take their shock treatment….a nice cuppa tea. Ummmm…Yorkshire Tea this time……strong, delcious….and yes, I must say, soothing indeed. As the tea introduces it’s tranquility I do have to concede…..a delay really is better news than a tumor growing out my ear.
So, with my cup of tea in hand, and knowlege of so many continued prayers on my behalf, I can……….Keep Calm and Carry On…....another British motto, sort of like, Worse things happen at sea. What a jolly good spirit. It got them through WWII and the London blitz, so all things considered, I’m sure it will help get me to my next appointment.
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